Heart Not On My Sleeve

I am told that I hide my happiness just a little too much, that I give off some kind of vibe that something is wrong. Up until recently, they were usually right. I am not one to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I really don’t think I ever will. “I am laughing. . . .inside. . .where it counts” was my standard answer to pretty much every concern that came my way about my happiness.

Well, what exactly is happiness? Ask 100 people and you would probably get 100 answers. It is a personal state of mind that each of us is allowed to feel uniquely. No one can tell you how to be happy, although most will try.

Do material things make me happy? Not going to lie, sometimes they do. But not enough to live off of. In the end, they are just stuff. Stuff goes away eventually. I really enjoy driving my son’s Mustang, but if I never get to drive it again, that would be OK too.

Does family make me happy? Yes, being with family can make me happy. But still not enough. I love my family and appreciate them now more than ever, as they are the only ones that stuck with me this past year when everything else crumbled around me. I am including those handful of friends that also stuck with me, as they are family to me now. But I cannot live off of that happiness alone. I feel loved by them and that is so important to me, but that is not enough.

So what makes me happy? In my opinion, the only thing that can make me happy is me. Let me explain. I never really liked myself that much. I tolerated myself, but never liked who I was. I have done some bad things in my life, but I am sure we all have. And as bad as I thought that I was, I blamed everything and anything for making me that way. My mind was full of a bunch of “If Only’s.”

If Only I had more money. . . .

If Only I could lose more weight. . . .

If Only people would behave the way that I thought that they should behave. . . .

If Only. . . . . .

I would set my wants on such a pedestal that they were impossible to achieve, so then I could justify my anger and my self-pity which then justified my self-destructing actions. It is a vicious cycle that I have lived on for far too long. I needed help and I am getting it.

There is so much good in the world, we just can’t see it through all the negativity. Yes, a lot of bad things are happening in the world and depending on who you talk to, the world just might be coming to an end. I see it all the time on the news,  or in blogs or comments on them. See it on social media, even have seen it in church.

I was one of those people too, everything was negative and so my world turned out negative. We reap what we sow.

Tell a mother holding her new born child that the world sucks.

Tell a father who just watched his child get his first home run or score his first touchdown that the world sucks.

Tell a teenager who just had their first kiss with the boy or girl of their dreams that the world sucks.

Even if it is just for that one moment, the world doesn’t suck. To me, that is what happiness is. Those moments in life that make you feel good down to your soul. They happen all the time, unfortunately most of us are too busy to notice or too emotionally unstable to realize them, but they are there. The key to me is letting them happen and then seeing them multiply in my life. Being able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I did the best I could, and even if I didn’t, it is not too late to start.

So if you happen to see me in the future and I am not smiling or do not seem happy, there is a good chance that I really am. But thanks for thinking of me.

Respectfully

Mark

About joatmon14

Man in recovery from everything, looking for a little help, inspiration and direction.... Have spent the last 25 years working in big business, getting lost in all the chaos, not feeling like what I did mattered. By no means am I a professional writer nor do I even think I am that good, but it is something I love to do. Getting lost in a world of words, even for just a little while is why I started my blogs. In reality, at the age of 49 I am trying to find my voice. To find my passion. Maybe starting a little late, but better late than never. I write for me, I enjoy reading other's thoughts very much as well and look forward to the day that I can hold an extended, intelligent, meaningful conversation with YOU View all posts by joatmon14

6 responses to “Heart Not On My Sleeve

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